We quarrel according to the rules: how to behave during a conflict with a loved one

This is not just an inevitability, it is a blessing for relationships: even if you are convinced that you are made for each other and understand your loved one perfectly, each of you is a separate person with a unique set of chromosomes, a one-of-a-kind character and temperament and life experience. It is the differences, not the similarities, that we usually fall in love with - and it is the differences that cause our disputes. We figure out how to learn how to quarrel properly in order to turn each conflict into a useful lesson in mutual understanding and a way to get to know each other better.

1. Discuss the problem, not the person

No matter how offended you are with your loved one, try not to generalize or throw accusations - instead, turn to the situation itself and tell how you feel about it. Compare how different the phrases sound: “You never remember what is important to me! You don’t give a damn about my feelings and our relationship!” - and “I am very sad that you forgot about our wedding anniversary. This is a very important day for me and I really hoped that you would remember about it. We are talking about the same thing, but in the second version there is more sincerity and much less accusations - which means more chances to be heard.

2. Listen

Sometimes, in the heat of a quarrel, we do not notice how a constructive dialogue turns into a skirmish between two people who are unable to hear each other, each of whom is eager to express everything that is “boiling”. Try during the next conflict to choose the tactics of the listener - give your loved one the opportunity to speak out, while really trying to understand and hear him. In this case, the habit of asking again is useful: “Did I understand correctly that ...” - only you need to do this sincerely, without bile and sarcasm. Such a simple technique may surprise you with its result: sometimes it turns out that the reason for constant quarrels is simply the desire to be heard.

3. Leave past fights in the past.

In the comedy What Men Talk About, one of the characters declares that he will never have a reason to divorce his wife - and all thanks to her "lightness" and her unique ability to forget about quarrels and troubles. Talent is really rare - much more common is the habit of using each conflict as an excuse to remember all of your beloved's wrongdoings, from the garbage can that was not carried out the day before to last year's flirting at a corporate party. Unspoken grievances tend to slowly but surely undermine relationships - which means you should learn to deal with them in a timely manner and not create a “piggy bank of claims” that provoke quarrels.

4. Don't abuse ultimatums

“Either we start helping me around the house, or I quit my job!”, “Either we get married right now, or we break up!”, “Or your friends - or me!” - if you often throw such statements, then keep in mind that ultimatums are not only ineffective, but also very insidious: they are appropriate only in rare, extreme cases, and resorting to them all the time, you risk seriously spoiling your relationship with your loved one - not a single man I don't like being manipulated.

5. Don't raise your voice

If you are an emotional person, this advice may seem difficult for you - for some, a quarrel, by definition, is impossible without a conversation in raised tones and a couple of broken plates. It’s just that it’s much more difficult to hear each other in this case - it’s not in vain that they say that “a quiet voice is heard far away.” Even if your lover now and then breaks into a cry, do not succumb to his example - where is it better to take a break, give each other the opportunity to take a breath (for example, go for a walk alone) and calmly continue the conversation later.

6. Don't try to be right all the time.

Sometimes the best thing you can do to resolve a conflict is not to seek out another batch of arguments, but to give in. If the argument has reached a dead end and turned into a pointless skirmish, a simple “Yes, you are probably right” will save a lot of effort, time and nerves. By giving up the desire to win every debate, you will eventually win in the main, preserving the relationship: it’s not for nothing that they say that it’s not the one who is happy who is right, but the one who is happy is right.