Woman controller: why relationships with men do not add up.

Have you ever wondered why more and more women choose to leave a relationship with a man and continue on their own, relying solely on their own shoulder? Disappointed in a man, a woman leaves the relationship and often no longer sees worthy partners for herself. It is clear that all people are different, but dissatisfaction with the opposite sex, as a rule, can be heard from a female controller. What is this type of personality female controller And Why don't relationships with men work?- this will be discussed in this article.

How does control manifest itself?

Control appears in wanting to be in control- people, events taking place, etc. and dissatisfaction when everything goes "wrong" as we would like. This is an inner desire. Behind the desire to control are the expectations of a person “I know how it should be”, disbelief that even without your intervention everything happens in the best way, a strong desire to influence what is happening, to subordinate it to one’s will, to do “as it should be”.

At the same time, the opinion of another person is often ignored, methods of pressure can be used - lies, silence, tricks, manipulations on feelings of guilt, or “I was offended, you hurt me” are used, while the real reason for such behavior is to force the other person to do so as desired by the controller.

In other words, it is based on the desire to be "how I want", even if the other person does not want it. Therefore, it is not surprising that the partner's will weakens over time. A woman is even more disappointed with her partner, “men are weaklings”, “irresponsible”, “they cannot be trusted”, “you cannot rely on them”, “I'd rather do everything myself”.

A woman is guided by the principle “I must”

Here is the answer of one of the readers to the question why a woman is lonely: “We also have such a mentality that a woman owes everything to everyone - to cook and wash and clean and be a mistress in bed and a nanny ... And what about a man - a free application? Well then, you need to use it exactly as an application, since you can't rely on him for anything..” This is a fairly common opinion among modern women.

From the quote above, it turns out that the mentality, which we have is wrong, is to blame for everything. The mentality could not sneak into your head on its own, without your participation. You and only you yourself allowed him to settle there and take root and now control your thoughts and your life.

Whether you owe someone or not is up to you to decide, not the people around you and not the mentality of the society in which you live. Have you agreed to this and allowed it to happen? in your life. Therefore, you live in just such a reality - when you owe everything and men cannot be relied upon.

When a woman lives according to the principle “I have to”, then she forces herself, forces herself, goes against herself and her desires. If a woman does this to herself, she does the same to those around her.- forces, ignores their desires, climbs into their personal affairs, indicates what they should or should not, demands the fulfillment of their instructions.

It all starts with a woman, right? That, how she treats herself, manifests itself in the outside world - it also applies to other people and people also relate to it. If you make demands on others, force them - be prepared for the fact that they will do the same towards you.

Typical for a female controllerthoughts and beliefs:

• I know better
• a man will not cope (my children will not cope, they will not succeed) - therefore I have to make sure that I bring everything “to mind”
• I can do everything myself, I don't depend on anyone
• I don't need help, I don't want to ask for help and humiliate myself
• men can't be trusted, he'll screw up anyway
• what a bungler, clumsy, etc. he is. ruined everything again
• Well, how can he not understand, it's so simple
• already tired of explaining to him
• I have to check everything
• how everything will be, what will come of it, probably nothing good

Why controller women don't get along well with men

In family life, it is “weak men” who are attracted to a female controller. These are the men who agree, but avoid taking responsibility, leaving it to the woman. Most often, these are the men whose mother was the controller and they got used to this behavior as a child.

A strong man, on the other hand, does not live with a controller woman, because he decides everything himself, makes decisions himself, fulfills them himself, and he does not need to report to his wife. Intuitively, a strong man avoids a controller woman.

Controller woman too subconsciously avoids a strong man, because there is a fear of being “unheard”, “ignored”, losing in the fight “who is in charge here”, losing in a competition with a man.

It follows from this that the female controller there are many hidden benefits from the fact that she lives with a weak man. But she herself will never admit it, so they are hidden. She flatters her vanity with the fact that there is someone who cannot cope, who needs tips, instructions, reminders. And she is so strong and can do it all.

But no female controller admits to having such benefits. Outwardly, she declares that she is looking for a strong man, but “all real men have died out”, and subconsciously strives to be stronger, more important, smarter, etc. men, that is, she competes with him.

Therefore, in family life, such a woman is a competitor, she knows how to beat deftly and skillfully into her partner’s weak points. For what? In order for everything to be “as it should be” according to her own ideas about how everything should be.

The reason for control is psychological ravma

One of the reasons for the desire to control is the trauma of betrayal, when someone was irresponsible towards a woman.

Liz Burbora talks about five traumas and the masks that these traumas cover up in her book “Five Traumas That Prevent You from Being Yourself”.The mask (or model of behavior, template, subpersonality) covers the wound, but does not heal it, while it seems to the person that there is no pain at all, but despite this, he still periodically steps on the same rake and is forced to feel his pain again .

Where do patterns of behavior, masks come from? The child absorbs them from parents and other close people, then continues to absorb them at school and in society. But the trauma of betrayal is activated at 4-6 years old by a parent of the opposite sex.

“When we come to heal some kind of trauma, we inevitably choose those parents who activate this trauma,” writes Liz Burbo. She argues that we choose our parents on a trauma-to-trauma basis, they should activate that trauma in us. And these are exactly the injuries that we have already received in past lives.

Why Betrayal Trauma Occurs

If a girl has certain expectations for dad, and if dad does not meet these expectations, then she may perceive this as a manifestation of irresponsibility or betrayal. “Dad didn’t pay attention to me”, “dad always left (he went on business trips, etc.)”, “dad laughed at me”, “dad didn’t protect me from mom (or anyone else)”, “dad smiled at another woman and paid attention to her, but not to me, ”etc.

Then she decides not to show her vulnerability and puts on a controller mask to show herself and others that she cannot be betrayed and she has everything under control, she can influence people and events.

That is, she puts on some kind of protection for herself, armor, and fences herself off from her true feelings. She won't let anyone into her heart so as not to suffer from their betrayal.

The reason for the trauma of betrayal is that a woman subconsciously expects others to what she does to herself- betrayal.

Anger, rage, indignation are typical emotions of controllers, both women and men. If you experience such emotions, then you have a controller mask.

Diseases typical for controllers are liver, head, gynecological diseases.

Liz Bourbo also argues that the trauma of betrayal is usually two other traumas are accompanied - the trauma of non-acceptance of oneself and the trauma of the abandoned (abandoned).

The trauma of distrust and self-rejection occurs when a person does not accept himself unconditionally, does not believe that he has the right to something. Such a person needs some reason (achieving a result, being perfect, perfection, meeting standards) to accept and love himself. And the trauma of the abandoned one manifests itself in the case when a person cannot bear loneliness and clings to other people, looking for their support and attention.

The root of the problem is in a past life

It is clear that all children have expectations in relation to their parents, but not all unfulfilled childhood expectations develop into trauma. If a person has have experienced a specific trauma in a past life, then the trauma is inevitably activated in the current life - first in childhood, and then in adulthood. The old scenario is repeated - so that a person can finally see his injury and allow himself to be imperfect.

That's why the root of the problem can be found in a past life. Viewing past lives is very effective in healing old traumas. Trauma heals faster when a person sees the past life where he first experienced this trauma.

When you relive old emotions, you release them. At the same time, you understand what they were connected with, under what circumstances you experienced them for the first time, what you wanted at that moment, why it didn’t work out, how this trauma affected you later - through these realizations, the trauma goes away.

The problem is not in the partners, but in the woman's attitude towards them

The trauma of betrayal affects the ability to trust the opposite sex. If you have this injury, then no partner will be happy for you. The problem is not with the partners, but with you. Because you attract exactly those men who meet your expectations. You just don't see the others. In such circumstances, you start the usual behavior model - the controller mask.

Case from my practice

“I trust my partner, but sometimes I suspect him…” said a young woman who contacted me to sort out the reasons for her suspicions. She suspected her partner, but she understood that this was her own inner conviction, the suspicion that something was happening or might not happen the way she wanted it to.

During the immersion session, it turned out that she has a fear of being defenseless, and he manifests himself in this way. That is, in the depths of her psyche there is an understanding "I cannot protect myself." Therefore, outwardly, this manifests itself in the fear that something will happen wrong, and she would like to keep everything under control, to be the mistress of the situation. Suspicion is a manifestation of distrust. Distrust is the expectation that the worst case scenario will happen, “something will happen”. But it works like a direct order to the Universe. And that's why it really happens.

The conviction “I can’t defend myself” arose in her in a past life, where she did not stand up for herself, did not express her disagreement with what was happening, resigned herself and kept silent, thereby betraying himself. The soul remembers this experience, and in the current life the woman secures herself and tries to control what is happening.

The outside world is a mirror image of the inner world

Liz Burbo claims that we expect from the world exactly what we ourselves do in relation to ourselves or to other people. Esotericists call the world around us a “mirror”. The mirror reflects to us what we do not see in ourselves (our shadow) - that is, people appear, events occur that cause an emotional reaction.

An emotional reaction is a sign of a mirror, and a manifestation of a shadow. When you experience an emotion, especially a strong one, stop and think about what exactly triggered the reaction in you and how it manifests itself in you. What causes a reaction in you is necessarily there in you. When you admit it to yourself, see it in yourself, then there will be no more emotional reaction.

Logically, it is difficult to understand, but it works just like that - through a mirror. As soon as a person has seen, understood, realized what the mirror wants to show him, the mirror immediately leaves.

How to stop being in control

Control arises when there is no trust in the world. There will be no trust in the world if you do not trust yourself. By doing so, you are betraying yourself.

What is betrayal of oneself, examples:

• you did not express your point of view, although you had your own opinion, and you still agreed with the other person
• you made a decision, and then abandoned it under the influence of, for example, another person
• you hear your inner voice, but brush it off like a pesky fly
• you believe that you have to be some kind of perfect, you have your own list that you want to match and if you do not match it, then you scold yourself, humiliate, compare with other more successful people
• you ignore your desires and act according to the principle “I have to”
• you force yourself to do something against your will
• you berate yourself for “mistakes”
• you demand from yourself
• you want to be good to others
• you do something for another person, but to the detriment of yourself, you would like to spend this time differently
• you scold yourself when something unexpected happens and you can't handle it

The first step is to admit where you are betraying yourself.

To get rid of the controller behavior, admit to yourself what you betray yourself. Take the time to do this and write down all the times you betrayed yourself. Be honest with yourself.

Decide not to do it again, don't betray yourself. Make a decision to listen to your desires, moods, feelings, premonitions, etc.

After all, if you yourself do this in relation to yourself, then someone in your environment will definitely appear who will behave this way towards you - betray you, ignore your desires, point out mistakes, expect a trick from you, suspect, force, demand, etc.

The second step is to accept yourself with all your weaknesses.

Allow yourself your weaknesses and vulnerabilities. After all, the mask of the controller is therefore created by our psyche in order to cover our vulnerability from the external eye, primarily in relation to the opposite sex. And if you do not hide your vulnerability, then you do not need a mask. Admit your feelings to yourself.

Let yourself feel. After all, if you close yourself from pain, then you close yourself from joy. Because the heart closes all at once, and not individually.

Once you decided that you would not show your vulnerability to anyone and mastered the behavior of the controller as the only possible one.But there are other alternatives - you can admit your vulnerability (at least for yourself) and there is nothing wrong with that. And then you do not need to be “on the alert” all the time and make sure that the world and men do not deviate from the model that you prescribed for them. And then you can relax and trust the world.

Control is a struggle with oneself and the world around

Thus, you will save yourself a lot of energy if you give up control. Because control is a struggle. And any struggle with the world is ultimately a struggle with oneself. A person always loses as soon as he enters into a fight. Wrestling takes a lot of strength and energy.

So, in this article, I told you what is the reason for the desire to control and how to stop controlling. Get started now. After all, only you can change your life.